If you really promise something; You will keep it.
Even if you are dead you have to come to be ghost and make that promise to come true.
Yeah.. I’m pretty extreme. That’s why I try not to promise even little things or they bug me forever. And have to say.. I have couple of them.
Screaming inside my head - The little promises.
It’s insanely hard to get and really hard to keep it up when you are afraid of every move what You make. Yeah.. In work I don’t fear people so much but I fear that I do something wrong all the time even thought I try my best. But because my socialskills are dull or over sensetive I can’t seem to know what to do and what to say.
First I’m usually too nervous and shy and then I relax too much. And ether one isn’t good thing. I have worked already since I was 14 and still I’m so failure that I only get really random low pay jobs what rapes my mental health. And talking about how hard it is even get those!
There is also many other things.. But it does not mean that I don’t want to work like many seem to think about me. I really want! I like the feeling when I earn my pay myself. I actually dream about career a lot.
Fearful or not.. Even I want The Job.Many people complain about their nightmares. I don’t - because even nightmares are kind of time-outs from my real life. I already have most of the time Hell in Earth when I’m awake.
What ever I do it don’t go away. Sometimes I can ignore it but then it come even stronger back and I can’t handle it at all. It will crack me pieces everytime. Again and again.
… My nightmares are those night when I cannot get The Sleep.
I will try to keep this to the point. You say you never want to be hugged by anyone, I think this will not be your view for long, you will see that you can lead a better life if you try to accept people. From looking at your other posts it seems people have hurt you in your past, but if you get rid of those people out your life, get away from them, you can try to take away the pain, other people are good at taking away pain, some are good at giving, you have to find the right balance for you, Bob Marley once said: “Truth is, everyone is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for”. This is so true, you should not be afraid of people and the hurt they may bring, because there always good, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, I don’t think I have anymore to say.
From Varpaankynsi
Most of my life I was in a leash. Mostly narsistic people pulled that leash and I was always under their feet. I wanted to get free. I was unhappy and sick.. I always did everything wrong anyway and didn’t get any right training - that it would teach me to survive in life.
Then, one day - I was free! Completetly free.
First thoughts about they coming back to tug my leash haunted me.. But then I got it that I can finally enjoy my life. - But I didn’t know how to live!
That free leash started feel heavy in my neck and little by little I could breathe less and less. Now.. I just stand frozen in middle of the busy street - lifting the leash in my hands.. I can see it how it grows bigger every moment. I can feel the heavyness more and more..
I know that I never can trust you and I might not even know you. Still.. Even if I fear you a lot. I lift it to you.. With the shaking hands…
I offering to you, The Leash.
Handshake - usually tells a lot about human.
I can handshake your hand and my shake is a little hard and firm. I have practice that. But that’s a lie.. It’s not me. It’s something I might be someday. I can be polite and use manners. But like smalltalk in other countries – it’s only for keeping company happy. And keeping me suitable for society.
But don’t ever try to hug me. Nowadays hugs are one way to see how much I trust. I don’t usually hug people who I don’t know or who I don’t trust. If someone who I know hugs me I don’t run away but I might not answer to hug. It means I can’t trust him or I just don’t feel like hugging at all and I don’t trust him enough that I would hug anyway. It’s a really big trust showing thing if I give you a hug even thought I don’t feel like hugging.
Yeah.. It’s hard to get. But that’s something what I can at least explain at an example.
Trust is anyway hard to me. I can always trust animals and I love them right away because they are so loyal. My bestfriends ever have been animals and right now when someone asks about my family I say; “Me and my two furry friends (cats).” or about boyfriend (why they never ask about girlfriend, I wonder); “Why I need something like that when I have my furry friends?” But when I trust a human I trust really strongly even thought I still have my problems. Every little promise is important to me even they might sound silly. I’m also higly possessive (/jealous) when I care somebody that much. Even thought I can’t show it right that I care and I’m really problematic person – I do care! I care and trust TOO MUCH. And then I feel betrayed.
That’s one reason why trust just don’t work right when it comes to me. And of course.. You are a human. Tell me how I can trust you? How I can but myself to your hands and know that you don’t crush me?
I’m ashamed. It might be even stronger than fear – both of them yelling inside my head. I know that something is wrong and I know that it’s only inside my own freaking head. That’s the reason why I cannot tell.. Cannot ask help.. Even if fear makes my breathing harder and I start shaking, there still is always room for the shame.
Shame screams louder than fear.. Fear is sneaky bastard who surprises me painfully when shame comes right at me brutally. They tie me down. I always hope that someday fear takes me into somekind of psychosis - so I don’t feel anymore, The Shame.
